Technofear Part 4

Having successfully negotiated a phone upgrade, I eagerly awaited the arrival of my new handset. On the allotted day a small box arrived with all the necessary kit packaged super-efficiently into the smallest imaginable space, and I pulled the bits out one by one. Having located the phone, assorted paperwork and cabling, I searched in vain for a SIM card. I had been told to expect a SIM card, but none appeared from the tiny box. In fact I had been told to expect a micro SIM card, and I wondered briefly if it was so micro that I had simply overlooked it. This was not the case. I even thought about mutilating my existing SIM card to turn it into a micro SIM, but that seemed like an unlikely solution. So I was forced to call customer services again and report my complete dearth of SIM card. Of course then I had to return to the store to pick one up, but this did at least have the advantage of allowing me to prove my technological idiocy by getting the bloke in the shop to set everything up for me. With a working phone I finally felt empowered again, and I decided that I should find out what it was capable of. It is supposed to be ‘intuitive’, but I am clearly lacking intuition. Navigation was slow, several accidental calls were made, and when I received my first incoming call I hung up on the caller. Twice.

After apologising in text, I downloaded the manual to find out how to use my phone as a phone. I assumed that ‘How to answer a call’ would be pretty much page 1 of the manual, but this was occupied by information on how to download apps. I waded through further irrelevant instructions on how to edit movies, translate texts into Swahili, and program my handset to recognise my voice, but nothing on how to answer a call. Finally I found it, buried deep within a section on adjusting widgets. I’m carrying around a mini-computer. It’s probably only a matter of time before McAfee tells me it’s at risk.