Self-mowing

I was taking a quiet country stroll today when I came across the gadget of the century. A toy that men up and down the country can only dream of: the self-mower. This fully automated pair of clippers on wheels drives itself like a lumbering beetle up and down a lawn, entirely without the aid of human interference, turning periodically when it meets an obstacle. At this point, after a brief lull where it is presumably pondering its next move, it spins around and lumbers back in a different direction.

I was not able to observe this technological wizardry long enough to find the answers to all of my questions. And it does pose quite a few:

1. Does it know where it’s already been? Or could it simply run up and down over the same section until there was no grass left whatsoever?

2. Does it produce neat geometric mowing patterns or a totally shambolic series of cross-hatch patterns of varying length grass?

3. Could you program it to create a series of winding footpaths in an otherwise lush meadow?

4. Is there a sit on version? Probably for children as a sit on version for adults would render the automation pointless.

5. Could you tie a lead to it and encourage it to exercise a dog?

6. Where do the clippings go?

7. Is there a miniature version that could be employed to clip people’s hair, creating a race of skinheads?

Since my folks had a large garden when I was growing up, and it was deemed appropriate for me to spend many a wasted afternoon trying unsuccessfully to start the ancient petrol mower and trudge up and down until I had created a bowling green, I now retain a deep dislike for mowing. I always wanted a sit on machine, but that would have been an extravagance even in our garden. Bit this seems like the appropriate extravagance to cure all my mowing woes.

Here's the American version!