This is one I wrote last year for sports stores after a particularly disappointing expedition to search for a pair of shorts.
Dear Sports Megastores,
I would be grateful if you could let me know if any of you stock any sports equipment or clothing. It appears from recent visits that, despite filling an entire warehouse full of stuff, none of it has any sporting use. Since you now seem to be a ‘chav clothing megastore’, might I suggest removing the word sport from your name? And it would probably be right to remove the ‘mega’ as well, before trading standards get hold of you. ‘Chav store’ seems to be entirely appropriate. A couple of tips for you:
1. Given that you house all this stuff in a giant warehouse, you could leave enough room between the endless displays of XXL tracksuits for people to walk. Note that the XXL people you cater for are even less likely than me to fit between the rows.
2. You seem to be well staffed with apparently ‘sporty’ teenage assistants (did they misread the application as ‘spotty’?), who all seem to be equally busy arranging pairs of trainers, but none of whom seem to know much about sport. Presumably they smoke themselves thin?
3. You have eight tills and one person serving. Why do you have so many tills? Why not use some of this space for sports equipment?
4. Who needs a pair of laces that are 2m long?! Or is it a belt for the XXL tracksuit?
From now on I shall resort to searching online for sports equipment and clothing. It seems ironic that people who actually do exercise should remain seated at their computers to shop, whilst rotund chavs are forced to visit your store to find clothes.
Yours sincerely
I would be grateful if you could let me know if any of you stock any sports equipment or clothing. It appears from recent visits that, despite filling an entire warehouse full of stuff, none of it has any sporting use. Since you now seem to be a ‘chav clothing megastore’, might I suggest removing the word sport from your name? And it would probably be right to remove the ‘mega’ as well, before trading standards get hold of you. ‘Chav store’ seems to be entirely appropriate. A couple of tips for you:
1. Given that you house all this stuff in a giant warehouse, you could leave enough room between the endless displays of XXL tracksuits for people to walk. Note that the XXL people you cater for are even less likely than me to fit between the rows.
2. You seem to be well staffed with apparently ‘sporty’ teenage assistants (did they misread the application as ‘spotty’?), who all seem to be equally busy arranging pairs of trainers, but none of whom seem to know much about sport. Presumably they smoke themselves thin?
3. You have eight tills and one person serving. Why do you have so many tills? Why not use some of this space for sports equipment?
4. Who needs a pair of laces that are 2m long?! Or is it a belt for the XXL tracksuit?
From now on I shall resort to searching online for sports equipment and clothing. It seems ironic that people who actually do exercise should remain seated at their computers to shop, whilst rotund chavs are forced to visit your store to find clothes.
Yours sincerely
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